Suddenly Awake
in the quiet dark hours
Feeling her
Sitting next to me
I see...
The orange and brown flowers
of her mini dress
so perfectly sewn
Her hands anxiously smoothing the fabric down
through time
White thighs
And dark piled hair
An exhausted 1960s goddess
I did ask
Before I slept
Why the hunger...
inside?
Here she is
a weight at the end of my bed
sitting here
The answer to my question
My mother
young child woman
overwhelmed
away from her family
and all she had ever known
The too small infant
on her lap
dependant and starving
watching silently
her every move
having learned fast
within hours of life
that crying
would only create more distance
She had felt alone
this mother
in this strange town
Her entrapment
And society's expectation
of pristine folded nappies
pegs swinging on a rusty clothesline
the need to perform
overtaking her
with mind crushing anxiety
Fear evaporated
her milk
And made her desperate
to run
The confused baby
Now a woman
smiles
I see why...
The deep hunger remained unresolved
I see why...
she left me.
And my attraction
to punishing her
and my own heart for knowing it
I had been seeking out places to starve
hoping unrequited love would
resolve this pain
A disconnected lover with back turned
more familiar
and desirable
than warm eyes and open arms
Until the seeing of the root of it
I held
a deep ache to reach fingers pulled away
to heal those who would recoil
from my touch
Meanwhile
I would kick away
and run from the ones
who would See me
too close and uncomfortable
this more enveloping love
Knowing this now
deep in my belly
I get it
I forgive
this young woman
and her too soft skin
eyes lined with bitter tears and smudged black kohl
I forgive
her trauma
And her raw emotions
As she slumps here
stuck in time
A shadow at the end of my bed
I reach my now adult arms
to soothe her
and provide comfort
touch nose to forehead
In a slow breath
Cradle her cheek against my shoulder
Warm hand on the small of her back
I can hold her
This way
gently
as long as it takes
heal this wound
and
hold myself
My own dear child's legs
spaghetti wrapped in mine
pin half of me to the bed
As I release the mother
And forgive us both
I understand why
I gain so much comfort in my son's warm body
His fragrant skin next to mine
comforts
I know its truth
the way his eyelashes lay against his cheek
fills my heart
and a rich ocean deep in my being
a love
she has never known
The ancient resistance
A fishing line and hook in my heart
pull out now
The distrust
rips away
finally...
I may now receive love
lightly
And know a free and more simple life
It's not too late...
To start again.
All Rights Reserved Veronica Farmer
www.angelsrestqld.com
www.veronicafarmer.org
in the quiet dark hours
Feeling her
Sitting next to me
I see...
The orange and brown flowers
of her mini dress
so perfectly sewn
Her hands anxiously smoothing the fabric down
through time
White thighs
And dark piled hair
An exhausted 1960s goddess
I did ask
Before I slept
Why the hunger...
inside?
Here she is
a weight at the end of my bed
sitting here
The answer to my question
My mother
young child woman
overwhelmed
away from her family
and all she had ever known
The too small infant
on her lap
dependant and starving
watching silently
her every move
having learned fast
within hours of life
that crying
would only create more distance
She had felt alone
this mother
in this strange town
Her entrapment
And society's expectation
of pristine folded nappies
pegs swinging on a rusty clothesline
the need to perform
overtaking her
with mind crushing anxiety
Fear evaporated
her milk
And made her desperate
to run
The confused baby
Now a woman
smiles
I see why...
The deep hunger remained unresolved
I see why...
she left me.
And my attraction
to punishing her
and my own heart for knowing it
I had been seeking out places to starve
hoping unrequited love would
resolve this pain
A disconnected lover with back turned
more familiar
and desirable
than warm eyes and open arms
Until the seeing of the root of it
I held
a deep ache to reach fingers pulled away
to heal those who would recoil
from my touch
Meanwhile
I would kick away
and run from the ones
who would See me
too close and uncomfortable
this more enveloping love
Knowing this now
deep in my belly
I get it
I forgive
this young woman
and her too soft skin
eyes lined with bitter tears and smudged black kohl
I forgive
her trauma
And her raw emotions
As she slumps here
stuck in time
A shadow at the end of my bed
I reach my now adult arms
to soothe her
and provide comfort
touch nose to forehead
In a slow breath
Cradle her cheek against my shoulder
Warm hand on the small of her back
I can hold her
This way
gently
as long as it takes
heal this wound
and
hold myself
My own dear child's legs
spaghetti wrapped in mine
pin half of me to the bed
As I release the mother
And forgive us both
I understand why
I gain so much comfort in my son's warm body
His fragrant skin next to mine
comforts
I know its truth
the way his eyelashes lay against his cheek
fills my heart
and a rich ocean deep in my being
a love
she has never known
The ancient resistance
A fishing line and hook in my heart
pull out now
The distrust
rips away
finally...
I may now receive love
lightly
And know a free and more simple life
It's not too late...
To start again.
All Rights Reserved Veronica Farmer
www.angelsrestqld.com
www.veronicafarmer.org
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