When so much of life
Is stumbling
through obscure or unusual tunnels
Dug by you
Or those before you

Navigating by fingertips
Upon damp walls
Past the gnarled tree roots
and unexpected potholes
Happiness is sunlight

A waft
Of warm heart expanding breath
a divine scent...
The sudden rush
The joy of it
Inexplicably fused with knowing
that it is already an echo
Just as it arrives

It smiles at you
then threatens to leave you
Its coy silken fingers
dart away from your arms
A memory
Before you got the full lunged breath of it
head laid back
eyes closed...

Maybe that is what makes happiness so exquisite
so rich
So peculiarly human
It's impermanence
Reminds
of moments of delicious presence
Of pure being
Our most full expression
Our truth

All Rights reserved Veronica Farmer
See also www.madebeautifulbyscars.com

We are born with wide eyes 
and arms 

Those first loves
friendships
warm pump fuel
for the heart  

Awakening fibres of connection 
Natural human joy

Life
Rich Life

And then
Something hits
your face grazes concrete 
Breath expelled in shock

The sudden nature
Of an imperfect act
breaks something
Of trust 
Of heart width

That rich wide heart
Slams shut..

Arms wrap the body
and the head turns focus 
from wide Creator
Great Antenna to the world 
To the dirty feet below
Kicking in the dust

No longer out to the world but down

Only we decide
How long for
How long to punish ourselves
In this internal prison 

For self punishment it is
To be that separate
Alone
And distrusting
When your power 
Is as wide as sunlight
When it cannot express
and is kept volcano hid
it rattles
creates madness

At any moment though 
The angry silent violent voice
Of separation
Can be evicted
And the heart door slammed back open

It usually happens in one playful moment 
of abandon

The sweetness 
That never left you 
still waiting patiently beneath 
peeks out 
When your child's dimpled laugh
Stops time

Or when you reach up and climb
Swing from a tree
Roll down a hill 
Run!
 
This way you return to your childlike heart
And swing open the door
The illusion 
The Grey
Is shown for the fraud it is

Don't listen
To the slammed unforgiving mind 
She/He would like to tell you
that Alone
Lonely
And 
Safe
is best

But it's boring
No fun
At all! 

The child You is Queen, is King
A Great Sovereign Being
If only you would let it
Rule
once again
It would ride the waves of life
with head held high
and a smile
as broad as the beach

All Rights Reserved Veronica Farmer 2016
See also www.madebeautifulbyscars.com for Veronica's shared writing project

So it seems
all appropriateness
has finally left the building

So many years 
of shape shifting
and morphing
to warm
and feed others

Can't do it anymore

So what does that mean?
Am I now unkind?
Has all "nice" fled?

My heart remains open
wide and loving

​And yet
A new fierce desire rises in my body
to be the tip of the arrow
and not meander
anymore

This work demands my focus and time
and stronger language
I feel all speeding up
​
the words
said now
​laid down with gravity
create a wave of change
that cannot be stopped

This new me
scares some
but is the fuel I require
to Roar light where it will go

All Rights Reserved by Veronica Farmer
See also www.madebeautifulbyscars.com

I'm not
thinking about you
Again
as I sit in this cafe
body still ignited
legs thrumming
From a warm bed just left

This new lover
who rocks and delights in my body
soothes me
But not my heart
and not the crevices of my mind
where you dive...

How can you be all around my skin?
Interrupting this moment
with your disinterested presence
from so far away

You may as well be on the moon
But yet here you are
taking up space

I can almost see your eyes narrow
like a great cat
enjoying the game

I play with my eggs
and stir my latte 
slowly
Why do I feel you so acutely
when I should be most free from you?

I was sure a lover 
would release me
keep your breath
from my ear
cut the ancient ropes 
that feed off a crumb
a word
but it appears not

You have suffered
such foetal angst
from loss of love
that you now despise it

You hold a need
to pour the same
jagged and wretched pain
on another
Just to see
how it feels

Perhaps it is the great circle
of healing for you
to be the Observer
The Inflictor

What is it about your spectacular disregard 
and boredom with life
your smell
your voice
Oh God your voice
in which I lose myself

None of this is good
It can lead nowhere kind

I run my fingers through my hair
Hoping to run you out
keep you where you belong 
But I am merely raking leaves with the wind

Time to open wider
to a new and profound version of love
someone 
who meets soul, body
and mind
I have tried to split them
and it brings me no peace

But with a wry smile I know
I am glad of the experience
of a life fully lived
messy and glorious
no regrets
nothing half done

I am raw
but Alive
and grateful
for your invisible random
arrival
at my table
​this day

With a smile
I say goodbye
to the push-pull
to you

I pick up my bag
feisty now
Head high
I walk out of this cafe
leaving you 
and your ghost self behind

I shall now meet you again
in the flesh
much healed 
​by our invisible conversation
no more pulled to heal 
​your broken edges
​
All Rights reserved Veronica Farmer
www.veronicafarmer.org

I am
flawed human
stiched together with loving intention
the light weeps through the cracks
the knots
the rusted parts
and over time
bathes them
soothes them 
eases them 
more and more

I no longer ignore the damage
turn my head away
wrap my coat tighter
as I once did
a smiling armour
looking for a place
where I could
​Arrive
into knowing
All the things...

But instead..
I have learned
that I know so very little
and to wrap
the roaring lost parts
in warm loving arms
sing to the dark places softly
like a baby in arms
rock and heal
rock
and 
heal
patiently...

I know
this is a life long journey
the wounds have made me alive
made my heart deepen
with warmth
and compassion

Each scar has helped shape me
to know life
to know my brothers
and sisters
their gifts
and their dark places
all of it beautiful

The cracks have helped me
hold others more gently
murdered judgment
and criticism
​freed me from hate

To lock eyes
and see sacredness
hidden beneath knarled branches
and creaking armour
is pure  

To see hope
wash
through hidden places
scour the depths of your pain
gives me greatest joy

To see you drop your fists
and open your heart
to trust
and allowance of all that lays hidden within
is superb freedom
​
We are here to remember
our divine male
our sacred female
beautiful flawed selves within
stop the ego's mouth
and be Kind
to ourselves
and our world 

All Rights Reserved Veronica Farmer
Also see www.veronicafarmer.org

We are led by stories
to look for angst
in love

Each Bronte novel
romantic movie
puppet in the public eye
has trained us well
to seek 
and search a lovers eyes
for approval 
out of fear
of abandonment
or loss...

A truthful woman
does not do this
although she risks
being seen as too fierce

She is not half
seeking a half

She is whole
​
Big enough
to meet another
shoulder to shoulder
eye to powerful eye
without playing these old 3rd dimensional games

So many of my female tribe
suffer..
in waiting for men 
to see them

When you let go of all need to be seen
and see yourself
your own dance
fullest expression
the blood rush of language 
beautiful wide sensual power
Life finds you
and
Lovers find you
in unusual places

They see the depth of your beauty
as it echoes their own
They reach brave fingers to touch fingers
skin to skin
a natural exchange of breath
between warm lips
without a need for walls between

Being your fullest power
and truth
Frees you to be fully alive
awake
​and full

Some worry that such a peaceful connection
may kill the thrill
dampen the fluid of challenge...

But what kills the heart
and itches wounds in the mind
is not being in your fullest power
is the frantic seeking
of it in another
without seeing
that in fact
you are..

the Universe
in estatic motion

You are
your own Source

​You are
your own
greatest happiness




All Rights Reserved Veronica Farmer
Blogs - see www.veronicafarmer.org
Healing Centre - www.angelsrestqld.com
​

At this time of the year
Christmas coming
for many
means
blood family

It is food
​lists at the mall
celebrations
​new clothes
and the history and identity that bind you tight together

I like another way
I like to find the Home in the unknown
the never met before
I like to find the comfortable familiarity 
in a new brave soul
in the light or the pain of their eyes 
and warmth of a deep breath before the truth comes..

With those I call tribe
the watching awake
we say all the things 
without fear 
to each other
sometimes it is met with a fierce wall
but not for long
we are not afraid to say all the words 

My ideal Christmas
is to fill the room with souls
who would avoid the usual discomfort of blood
and share instead deep truth and vulnerable beauty
with those who have no attachment to their perfection
To be free
to be broken
or in pain
or beautifully happy 

To be allowed to drop the masks
and be acceptable in oddness
the beauty seen in the real dance of self
the beauty seen in the raw...

This would be a Christmas
Jesu would be happy to walk amongst
among the wounded
and 
the wise
and the unsure

the presents being
deep presence
and unconditional love
​
All Rights Reserved Veronica Farmer

www.veronicafarmer.org - Veronica's Blog
www.angelsrestqld.com - Veronica's Relaxation Centre